Tough Moments and Looking Forward

Blah
This has been the longest, coldest winter here in this part of Texas in a long time (not that it's all that cold compared to other parts of the U.S., but for here, it's cold!).  Usually by now it is in the upper 70's and sunny every day.  We actually got snow a few weeks ago (several inches)!  That is VERY unusual, period, let alone at the end of February.  I am ready for spring.  We get a glimpse of it every few days, then we have a nasty day like today.  Cool and raining.  Of course, I guess I shouldn't complain because last summer we were in a horrible drought with 115 degree temperatures and no rain.  
The hard part about dreary weather is that it makes me feel dreary.  With all the stress in my life right now, I could definitely use some sun.  It would also help to be able to let the kids play outside!

Kids Behavior, update
So, I wrote last week about how much better my kids' behavior has been... then Friday happened, and it has been downhill since.  Thursday night, Levi was awake the majority of the night.  I probably got about 2 hours of sleep total.  So, I was easily frustrated, I yelled more than I should, and my kids could see a difference in me, therefore; they acted out more.  It has been that way all weekend.  I have decided that I need to lighten up on myself a little bit. All of this started because I cared too much about what everyone else thought... Some comments that someone made had me feeling like I was a bad parent and I needed to come up with some kind of method to deal with it... And I know that the comments weren't even necessarily toward me or about me... I just took it personally.  I know that my kids aren't "bad," and that they are just being kids that have undergone a lot of changes in the past few months.  I need to just take things as they come and deal with them the best way I can at the moment.  It's very difficult to be as consistent as I would like and need to be when I'm nursing constantly and exhausted.  I'm not saying that it's okay for my kids to throw tantrums or not do things that I tell them to do, but much of the times their tantrums start because I get mad at them for something that really doesn't matter... like Ethan getting into the plastic cup drawer for the fifteenth time.  I need to just lighten up and let the kids be kids.  I need to choose my battles and correct them when their heart isn't in the right place or if they're doing something dangerous.  I think that will make things a lot less stressful around here.  My good friend, Sandy (who has four kids, two grown), has told me many times to always ask myself "is it going to matter in two weeks?"  If Ethan gets into the plastic cups and gets them all over the house... is that going to matter in two weeks?  No.  If Karis talks to me disrespectfully or yells at me, is that going to matter in two weeks?  Yes.  So, again, I'm going back to this way of choosing my battles :).  By the way, a friend of mine watched Karis over night Friday night, and she agrees that she is very strong willed... which actually makes me feel better. :)  It's not just in my head!

Routine
I have attempted to create some routine around here and one day I'll do well, then the next day is tough because I got less sleep the night before.  I'm going to try every day, but I have to lighten up on myself in this area too.  So, I didn't get to the dishes or laundry today... but my kids are dressed, fed, and taken care of.  I've done all that I need to for that day.  I do feel, though, that routine for the kids is very important at this time in their life, so I am focusing on that.  Mornings are rough, but we definitely have their nap time and bed time routines down :). 

Baby Wearing
I LOVE my Sleepy Wrap.  I'm so glad that I bought it.  It takes a little bit to get it on, but once it's on, it's super comfortable and Levi loves it.  If I can't get him to stop fussing other ways, I put him in the Sleepy Wrap, and he's asleep :).  The only thing that is tough is I can't really lift Ethan when I'm wearing Levi.  So, if I need to change his diaper or something, it's a bit of a challenge.  I'm sure I'll get it figured out.  Here's a  close up picture that I took with my phone:

 

Looking forward...

These past few weeks have been rough, and I know that things aren't going to get "easy" anytime soon, but I am looking forward to some "normalcy" :).  

I'm excited that Karis will be turning 4 on March 15th, and we are having a birthday party for her on Saturday, the 13th.  She is going to have a blast!  For her present, Robert is building her a little play house to put in the back yard.  I can't wait until she sees it.  It will definitely come in handy in the coming months as it gets warmer.  I plan to have a daily time of outside play every morning for the kids.  I can't wait until it's warmer!

I'm looking forward to having true routine again.  I miss getting up at 6 am, having quiet time with Jesus before the kids get up, being able to get things done throughout the day, meal planning, grocery shopping, and lots of cooking and baking.  I have made a few things from scratch since Levi was born, but we have definitely been relying heavily on the dining hall here at camp and convenience foods (well, and food that people have brought us!).  

I am looking forward to being able to take the kids to the library, park, zoo, museums, etc.  I plan to start doing those things in the next few weeks (at least try!).  I think it's important for them to be able to do things outside of the house, but it just isn't happening yet.  I have only taken them out all together once by myself... so it's going to take a little bit more time before I feel comfortable doing that more often.  I don't think it'll be much longer, though.  They do pretty well when we're out, but it's still a challenge.  

Here are some recent pictures:

 

  

  

 

My Kids' Behavior Improvements- How?

I have mentioned many times that my kids have been throwing more tantrums lately... and I came to a point in which I just didn't know what to do any more.  I started receiving advice from people... and decided that Robert and I needed to figure out what the problem was and make a change that we feel is best for our family... not necessarily do what others say we should do.
As I have written about before, I came across a site called Raising Godly Tomatoes, and even though I don't agree with everything that she says, I found some of the advice very useful.

Over this past week, we have made some changes (and started using some of the methods on that site), and I have seen a great improvement in my kids' behavior (especially Karis').

The biggest changes that we have made are 1) being consistent, 2) not yelling (but still being firm), 3) following through, 4) not making threats that we couldn't follow through with, and 5) spending more time with the kids.  These are all pretty self explanatory.  I can't say that we do these things perfectly all the time, but we have made great strides and it shows in the kids' behavior!

We don't discipline each child exactly the same (because of their age), but we are just consistent with each child and how we have decided to discipline them.

I would say that the biggest thing for them isn't even how I discipline them, but the fact that I have them with me all the time now.  I rarely get on the computer or watch t.v. when they are awake.  When I'm nursing Levi, they are sitting next to me.  When I am cooking, they are in the kitchen with me.  When I am cleaning, they are helping me.  Now, I already did this to an extent, but now I'm more open to them being there and not just getting frustrated with them.  I'm including them in the process.
So, instead of them throwing a fit because they want my attention, they are getting it in a positive way; therefore, they aren't trying as hard to get it!
Another thing that has helped is that we are getting back into a routine.  Routine is so important for the kids!  They always need to know what to expect.  It definitely helps with getting them down for naps, getting them down at night, etc.  It also helps reduce their tantrums. 

I definitely wouldn't say that I have it all figured out... and I'm sure I will tweek things as I go along, but this has been working so far :).  Karis hasn't actually had a spanking since Sunday night (the first night that we started- that night was rough, but it has improved since then!).

This week has been much better than it has been in a while!

Update- 3 weeks later

More on life with a newborn…

Wow. That's all I can say. For some reason, I had forgotten how difficult it is to have a newborn… I'm trying to find a balance and some routine. It's tough.

The night before last we had a pretty good night. We put rails up on our bed and decided to try co-sleeping again (we tried it for a few nights and I couldn't sleep, so we stopped). Well, co-sleeping went well that night… in fact, Levi probably would have only woken up once or so to eat had I not woken him up (because I was worried if I didn't my supply would start dwindling more). Of course, the power went out in our house and Karis came to our room because her night light wasn't on (and that became a few hour ordeal…). So, I still lost sleep… BUT, it was still better. Last night was just rough again. Very little sleep. And, I woke up dizzy (every time I woke up). So, this morning was rough. All I can say is I don't know what I would do without family and friends… My friend Kari came over (early!) to watch the kids so I could take a nap this morning. Then, my mom came and allowed me to take a nap this afternoon and she cleaned up my house. I was also able to run to the store real quick by myself. So, now I feel like someone hit the "reset" button and I feel refreshed.

Something that I'm learning through the struggle…

One thing that I am learning is that I have to learn to rely on others through this. I can't do it alone. There's no way. If I tried, I definitely wouldn't make it! A friend of mine wrote "God didn't intend for us to do it alone" on my facebook today. That's so true. I always struggle with others helping me, but I have learned that I have to let them. First because I need the help, and second because this is a way for God to use people to bless others. So, I am taking any help that I can get :). I will say that I am completely blessed with amazing friends and family who are SO willing to help. Actually, they're not just willing, but they want to help. They ask me or just decide to help me and not even give me a chance to deny them the opportunity.

Breastfeeding…

Some days I feel like I'm producing almost enough for him without supplementing… then some days I feel like I have to supplement a lot. I haven't figured out the connection yet. I try to drink lots of water and feed on demand… I take my herbs (although I haven't been as consistent as I should be… I end up getting three doses most days… I'm supposed to take them four times a day and can't have liquids for 20 minutes before and 20 minutes after, so it's difficult). The one thing that I haven't been doing that I really need to be doing is pumping consistently. I need to probably set up a schedule or something in order to be more consistent. It's just tough to find the time… between feeding often already (breastfeeding and bottle feeding), to taking care of the other kids, I just don't have a lot of time. Hopefully I'll get it figured out. It would be nice to not have to supplement as much! But, no matter what, I'm thankful and blessed to be able to breastfeed at all, and I hope to continue for a long time… even if it's not 100%!

On a positive note…

Karis and Ethan's behavior has improved greatly over the past few days. Through consistency, spending more time with them, and not yelling, their fits have reduced significantly; and, when they do throw them, they end much quicker. Karis' attitude has improved as well. This definitely helps things around here!! We still have more work ahead of us in this department, but it's great to see improvement this quickly.

Some other tough things…

I have been missing my brother a lot lately. I think about him a lot, dream about him, etc. It's becoming more real, and I'm so sad that he will never meet Levi. I wish things didn't have to be this way… but God is in control…

I haven't had time to just sit down and have quiet time with Jesus on a daily basis like I used to. Before Levi was born, Robert and I got up at 6:00 and had a good hour to read our Bibles and pray, and now we sleep as late as we can since we're missing out on sleep during the night. I know this will eventually get better, but it's just hard to find time now. I still pray through the day, but it's just not the same.

Some random side notes…

We have been to the farm twice since Levi was born to buy raw milk, and after those two trips, we have decided that it's just not going to work to go as regularly as we have been going. From it taking well over an hour one way (about an hour and twenty minutes!), to the fact that the kids fight the whole time, etc; it's just too hard right now. If I could go once a month, it wouldn't be as difficult, but every other week just isn't going to happen. I will probably still go once a month or every other month because they now not only sell beef real cheap, they also sell pork and chicken! They sell eggs, organic beans, popcorn, raw honey, and even kefir starter cultures! So, I won't stop going there, just not as often to buy milk as regularly.

One exciting thing is that the majority of my grocery shopping is now going to be done in one town!! The day that Levi was born, a store called Newflower Farmer's Market opened up across the street from the HEB that I go to. They have great prices on natural meat (when I need to buy it from somewhere other than the farm), produce, and an amazing selection of bulk items such as beans, rice, pasta, sweeteners, nuts and seeds, coffee, etc. They also have great sales! I went today to buy Levi's formula, and I bought some Probiotics and magnesium. I went to HEB afterward and found that these were more expensive at HEB than at Newflower (they are even more expensive online!). So, I will be buying many things there! I will probably rarely go to Whole Foods or Sun Harvest any more because I don't have to. So besides my once a month or every other month trip to the farm and to Costco, most of my shopping will be done 25 minutes away instead of having to go all the way into Austin (which is closer to 45 minutes away). That makes my life so much more simple!! Anything that will simplify my life right now is definitely a plus :).

 

I think that is all… I have just had a lot of things swimming around in my head and wanted to write about them :).

Raising Godly Tomatoes

As I mentioned in my last post, I have been struggling with lots of tantrums and screaming in my house.  A lot of it is heightened due all that has been going on, but as I got to thinking about it, these tantrums have been going on for a while, and they shouldn't be happening.  If they just showed up all of a sudden, then I would think they were just because of the things that have been happening, but I have struggled with them before then as well (especially with Karis). 
I got into a conversation with someone through facebook yesterday and this person had some advice on parenting, that while it may work for them, I don't agree with for my family.  But what it did do, was to send me on a journey to decide that we do have a problem, and we need to figure out how to stop it.  There are many different methods that people have told me to try, but I just had a hard time with them for some reason.  They just didn't sit right with Robert or with me.  Then, I read a blog about Michael and Debi Pearl methods causing death... and I read through some of what they say, and I definitely don't agree with their methods.  I realize that the death was probably due to someone going overboard... but still.  There has to be a happy medium.  I'm not one to beat my children, but I don't think a spanking is bad.  The issue is, Karis doesn't respond to spankings... but why?  Is it because of the way I'm doing it?  What else is missing from the picture?

I began thinking about the parenting "advice" that I have read over the past few years... Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Trip is one that has been suggested to me many times.  The problem is, I've read that book.  I didn't find a lot of practical advice for how to deal with the issues... just why.  Then I remembered a website that I've stumbled upon a few times, only to forget about it a few days later.  It's called Raising Godly Tomatoes.  Well, today I checked it out again, and I think I am finally ready to begin implementing the "method" that she suggests.  The thing is, it's not really some new method that hasn't been tried before.  I like it because it is practical.  I don't agree with everything on her website, but I agree with the basics, and it's a great place to start.

Here is a quote from the website on how to not be irritated with your kids all the time:
"Okay, for example, let's take cooking. It's easy to get carried away with that one.  I know that it is considered "godly" in a lot of circles to be a great cook who provides tasty, healthy food for her family. You are considered even more "godly" if you can do it on a tight budget. You've reached the highest plane when you throw in a vast knowledge of heath remedies based on healing herbs and extracts, etc. This is all great and wonderful, AS LONG AS your top priority is rearing your children to have good hearts and godly character. If you have to feed them peanut butter and jelly to do that, God will still be very pleased.

So go ahead and cook homemade chicken soup from scratch (as I am doing this morning), but stop when the baby cries and pick him up. If your toddler is hanging on you, don't send him off to play, sit him up at the counter to watch and let him have a few of those carrots to play with after you chop them up. Include your children in the things you have to do, and set aside some of the things you don't have to do. Again, you don't have to entertain your children all day (that won't lead to godliness either), but you should try to be tutoring them, and teaching them, and just plain enjoying them most of the time. Save your very personal things (like reading this) for when the children are napping or otherwise already occupied. Once your children are getting the proper amount of attention (including both corrections and love) you will find that they will be more content, and their pressures and demands on you will be lessened, and you will start enjoying them as you should."

"Sometimes a parent knows what to do, but they simply are not willing to do it. They expect their children to behave perfectly with little or no effort on their part. Or they expect their children to just stay out of the way while they proceed with their lives as if their children didn't exist. They let their ambitions, housework, or hobbies, become a higher priority than parenting, and they begin to view their children as annoying interruptions. This attitude guarantees failure, frustration, and anger. Only by reordering priorities and recognizing that parenting is a highly demanding, full time job, will there be any hope for decent results and the absence of frustration. Give up everything else if you have to, and undertake the world's most important and fulfilling job to the best of your ability. Expect it to be a demanding job at times, but look forward to the challenge instead of resenting it. Parenting will be far less of a frustration to you, if you learn how to do it well, and if it is not competing with everything else for your time and attention."
After reading this, I realized something: my kids just want my attention.  I have been so focused on so many other things for the past year or so (and they aren't always bad things, but sometimes they don't deserve the focus they get).  My kids just want me and my attention.  I started thinking about all the times that I've included them in what I was doing, and I realized, they don't have behavior issues when I'm paying attention to them.  The behavior issues begin when I'm ignoring them because I'm too busy doing other things.  Another thing is that when they do have behavior issues, I'm not very consistent these days in dealing with them.  It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out the best way to train kids... it takes time, effort, consistency, and patience.  Kids aren't born knowing how to behave.  They are born as sinful humans.  They have to be taught how to behave, how to love others more than themselves, and how to be Godly people.  

My aunt also gave me some advice: 
"After already raising 3 kids and looking back, I see the positive and negative ways that I disciplined. But, the things that worked the best is 1) quit taking it personally. They are kids who are trying to find the boundaries and want structure and discipline in their lives. It brings them security and comfort. 2) Immerse yourself in praying all day long for you and your children 3) Look at it as a privilege to have that interaction with your child as you would teaching them how to learn a song, or tie their shoe. 4) Grandpa would tell you have time, patience and consistency. We always knew he would take whatever time needed to discipline us...there was never a case of I need to hurry and do something else. You will find that when you spend that valuable time to work through an issue and there is victory, those are golden moments. And last of all you have a great capacity of loving and wanting to do what is best for your child and that is half the battle. We want to do this so they can be understanding of what authority is all about and how we need to be under God's authority and be obedient. You are working on their little hearts to melt and mold them and help to conform them to God's will. Don't forget to breathe when these times take place."

I will be working hard to raise my kids to be obedient and to love God above all else.  I need to spend more time with them; therefore, I may not be blogging as much.  When I do blog, it will be while they're napping.  

I wish I could say that I have this discipline thing all figured out, but I don't :).  I can rest in the fact that the Lord is with me as I set out on this journey to learn how to train my children.

Life with 3 Little Ones

I've been trying to sit down and write this post for over a week and it has been too difficult!

Life with three babies is definitely rewarding and challenging all in the same breath.  The kids have started to adjust, but they still don't quite understand and want my attention more than normal.  They struggle with being patient and waiting for me to finish feeding Levi before I can tend to them, but they are getting better.  They have definitely been throwing more fits than normal, and we have just had to deal with each one as it comes.  I know that once they get used to things, the fits will begin to taper off and it will be back to the normal amount of fits :).  But for now, our house is filled with crying and screaming much of the day... which makes for a stressed out, exhausted mama. 

The house is definitely messier than normal... and Robert had to remind me the other day that the house isn't a priority right now, and I need to let it go.  His exact words were "I don't need a clean house, I need a wife that isn't frazzled all the time."  So, I'm trying to let go, but still struggle because a messy house means chaos to me.

Unfortunately, one of the things that I've had to let go of is worrying about eating perfectly.  We've been relying heavily on convenience foods and eating in the dining hall.  I had made a bunch of "meal starters," but I haven't even used most of them yet... I made a few full meals (casseroles), and we've taken advantage of those, but the rest is still in the freezer.  They will come in handy in a few weeks when things are getting somewhat back to normal, but I still don't feel like fixing a huge meal.  We also had the blessing of our church family bringing us a bunch of meals (probably a few weeks worth!).  We're so thankful for that!!  I didn't realize quite how difficult things were going to be.

I would say going from 2 to 3 is actually harder than 0 to 1 or 1 to 2.  Some people say that once you have 2, it's nothing to add another.  But, I think it's tough!  Maybe it's because our kids are so young still.  But, I can say that we probably won't be having any more... and if we do it will probably be a long time and/or through adoption :).  I think three may be our max, though.

Despite the challenges, I'm so thankful and in love with my family.  I have an amazing husband who would do anything for me and the kids.  I have beautiful children who I love unconditionally even in their most challenging moments.  My new son is perfect.  I couldn't have asked for a better third child :).  He doesn't sleep wonderfully at night (that seems to be when his gas hits!), but he is my easiest newborn so far.  He doesn't cry much (just when he's hungry or gassy), and he takes a nap in the afternoon when the other kids do!!  How'd I get that lucky??

I'm very thankful for my mom, who, right when I need it, takes the older kids off of my hands for a night.  I might be going crazy without her.  I feel bad to send them away, but I also feel like if I don't, I might just lose it :).  I miss them when they're gone, and am thankful to get them back the next day.  Right now she takes them about once a week, which is perfect.  In the future, once things settle down a little more, she's still going to be coming to my house once a week to help me.  That will be the day that I take Levi with me to town to buy groceries, etc.  I'm lucky and thankful to have the opportunity to do that.  Otherwise, I would probably just have to wait until Robert was off to go to town :).

Breastfeeding has been more of a challenge than I had hoped, but it's pretty much gone as expected.  The first few days went pretty well (except for the fact that I breastfed non stop), but it just went downhill from there.  I have been taking my herbs (lots of them- Motherlove More Milk Special Blend, Goat's Rue, and Fenugreek tinctures), and I breastfeed on demand (for a while it was CONSTANTLY).  But, I just still wasn't able to produce enough.  I produce more this time than the last two times, but it's still not enough to breastfeed exclusively.  I tried using the Supplemental Nursing System, but struggled with it and when my supply started dwindling more, decided to stop using it.  Not only was he not latching well anymore, he would just barely suck (just enough to get the formula out of the tube), and it was also very difficult to use every time.  We went to using Breastflow bottles and things have been going pretty well since.  It's frustrating that I can't produce enough, but I'm trying to just get over it and know that some breast milk is better than none.  I'm taking one day at a time right now because doing both is difficult, but my hope is to continue for a long time.  We'll see what happens!  I've decided not to be hard on myself no matter what.  I've been down this road twice already and had so many regrets.  I want no regrets this time around.
Kristen, my midwife, has been so supportive of me with breastfeeding.  She checks on me every day!  She left me her scale so that I can weigh Levi daily to make sure he's gaining enough weight.  And when I'm having a rough day with nursing, I just text or call her and she encourages me.  I'm so thankful for her!

Here are some recent pics:

 

  

  

  

  

 

Levi’s Birth

A birth story is in and of itself a bit graphic, so if you can't handle the details, don't read :).  It's hard to share the story without sharing the details!

The birth of Levi was amazing… I am excited to share!  This is how birth should be… gentle, normal, relaxed, unhindered.  Everything about it was how God made it to be.  I wouldn't change one thing about it.

Wednesday, February 10^th, Robert and I both woke up really early for some reason (4:00).  We both couldn't go back to sleep, so at about 4:45, I decided to go make some coffee (mostly decaf with just a little bit of caffeine!!).  As I was making it, I felt a "trickle," and noticed that my shorts were a little wet.  I just knew that my water was starting to break!!  I got very excited!!  This happened with Ethan, and within about 30 minutes, it broke all the way.  So, I did the things that I needed to (to prevent infection), and I waited.  It was too early to really call anyone because I didn't really know what was going to happen.  I decided to take a shower and then just see if the water continued to leak.  And, it stopped.  I was SO confused… what was that?  If my water was breaking, it should continue to leak… maybe I'm just crazy… who knows.  So, at about 6:30, I decided to call my midwife, Kristen (yeah, still a bit early, but I'm a little anxious to know what's going on at this point).  Luckily, she was awake already (or maybe she just told me that so I wouldn't feel bad).  She said that it should continue once it starts (so she's not real sure if that's what it was), but to go ahead and take precautions as if it was leaking.  Oh, just to add, she had been sick for several days before this and had I gone into labor just the day before, she wouldn't have been able to be there.  Just so happens that her fever had now been gone long enough and she was feeling good enough to come that day. God's timing is perfect :).   She ends up calling me back a little bit later and said that Levi's head was so low that maybe he was just creating a "plug."  She really thought that my water may not leak anymore, and it definitely wasn't going to break all the way (she later decided that my second bag of waters probably leaked and sealed back over).

At this point, I just rested for a while because I knew I would need my energy.  I called my friend Corrina (who was going to be at the birth), and I called my mom (who was going to be picking up the kids).  Corrina would only be able to be there in the evening because she had to wait until her husband came home from work (so someone would be there with her daughter).  My mom had an appointment that morning that she really didn't want to miss (and I didn't want her to miss it unless completely necessary), so we decided that she'll just go on with her day as planned unless something changed.  At this point I wasn't even completely sure what was happening, so I didn't want anyone to change their plans yet!  We went on with our day.  Robert was already off, so he didn't have to call in, which was nice since we didn't know what to expect! 

A few hours later, I began having some other signs of impending labor, then I started having some contractions.  The contractions weren't that painful, and they weren't regular… so I decided that after my mom picked up the kids, I would go for a walk and see what happened.  They continued for the rest of the morning… Kristen came just after lunch (because she was already coming that day for my appointment anyway), and she felt that I was probably in early labor.  I definitely wasn't in active labor, and we didn't think it would be just real quick.  She went ahead and called the apprentice (who is actually acting as an assistant now because all that she's lacking is her final test!).  She was at Ethan's birth, and she was excited about being here because she thought Ethan's birth was amazing :). 

After my mom picked up the kids, Robert and I went for a walk.  While walking, I was having contractions every 2-3 minutes, but they weren't that painful yet… I could continue walking through them.  I knew that those were not the same contractions that I felt when I was in labor with Ethan… so I was either still in really early labor (which I never had with Ethan!), or was just having some "warm up" contractions.  I still didn't know what to expect at this point.  I came home kind of frustrated.  Kristen asked me if she could check me to see if I was progressing at all (the last time she checked me was the week before and I was 1cm dilated and the baby was at +1-+2 station, which is as low as he could get!).  When she checked me, I was only 2cm dilated, and the baby was actually higher than he was the week before!!  She decided that it was probably going to be a while because the contractions seemed to slow down a lot when I got home.  She asked me what I wanted… did I want her to stay?  Did I want her to leave?  When I wasn't sure, she decided to have me lay down for a while.  If the contractions continued and got longer, stronger, and closer together, then we knew I was really in labor.  If not, then they would leave and I would call them when they got longer, stronger, and closer together (which she thought would still be pretty soon). 

I laid down, and the contractions stopped.  I was pretty upset because I knew that what I had been feeling before wasn't just Braxton hicks, but what were they??  Kristen came into the room and started working on getting the supplies together while she waited (because she knew it would be soon no matter what).  I was just visiting with her while I laid there, and I had a strong contraction.  It was a little more difficult to talk through than the others were.  A little bit later I had another one.  Then another… They weren't consistent yet, but they were definitely getting stronger.  By about 5:30, we determined that I was in active labor, and I had progressed another centimeter, and the baby's head dropped again.  So, I decided it was time to get in the tub.  Robert lit some candles and turned on my favorite relaxing music (which was actually a lullaby tape, yes a tape :), that a volunteer here at the camp gave me when Karis was a baby!).  I breathed through the contractions and just let my body do the work.  Being in the tub is so nice while in labor!  After a while, I decided to get out of the tub and lay on my bed.  I laid on my right side for a while and just continued to breathe through the contractions.  With each contraction, I just visualized the baby moving down.  Very quickly, I started to feel some pressure.  Scottie, who was the apprentice, was right there in front of me.  I told her that I thought I was starting to feel pressure, but wasn't sure if that's what I was really feeling.  She told me that she is pretty sure that I AM feeling pressure, and that I was probably already approaching transition (she could tell that the hormones were making me really sleepy, which is one of the signs).  I couldn't believe it because even though the pain was really bad, it wasn't NEAR as bad as it was with Ethan during transition.  So, I decided to go ahead and have Kristen check me to see what was going on because I was really doubting that I was approaching transition.  Well, sure enough, I was almost at an 8!!  I couldn't believe it.  At this point, my water hadn't broken yet, so that actually helped the pain because it gave a cushion.  I continued to breathe and consciously attempt to relax my body with each contraction.  The contractions continued to get longer, stronger, and closer together.  I then began to feel the need to push.  Kristen wanted to check to make sure that there wasn't any cervix left before I started pushing because it's not good to push if you're not fully dilated.  So, she checked and felt that there was just a little bit left.  At this point, I really needed to go to the bathroom because I felt that my full bladder was making the contractions worse, BUT I didn't want to get up!  They helped me get up and get to the bathroom, and it did help, but having a contraction while up is much worse than when laying down!  They quickly helped me get back to the bed.  I had a few more contractions, then my body just had to start pushing.  I had no control, really.  I remember that feeling with Ethan, and it actually makes me feel better to just let my body do the work.  Plus, I knew that because I let my body do the work with Ethan, I had no tears.  That was my goal again this time. 

After Kristen checked me, Corrina came in :).  It took her a while longer to get here than she had hoped, but she got here just in time.  At some point (can't remember if it was before Corrina got there or after), the assistant midwife came as well. 

My body began pushing with each contraction.  At this point, my water still hadn't broken, so Kristen and Scottie were preparing for a mess :).  I didn't push for long and my bag of waters started coming out, intact.  They were completely surprised that it hadn't popped on its own (and midwives don't normally pop the bag unless absolutely necessary because that's considered an intervention).  They eventually started to try to pop it because they knew it would be easier on me, but it wouldn't pop!  It was very strong!  Levi's head came out, then the bag popped.  It made a nice mess :).  Kristen said that I had a LOT of fluid (which is what I was told with Karis as well).  That's probably why I looked SO huge at the end.  A little bit later, the rest of his body came out (with a lot of work and pain… this was the most painful part for me this time).  But, even though it was painful, it was only about 10 minutes, and it was over.  And, I didn't have any tears again (just a few "skidmarks…" which is like when you bite the inside of your mouth; they heal quickly on their own).  Robert caught him, and put him up on my chest.  They cleaned him off a bit, then just let him lay on my chest for a while.  I just held onto him and wouldn't let him go!  We still had a few more things to take care of (the placenta, etc), then I was able to breastfeed him.  He latched on well on his own.  He seemed so tiny to me (and to everyone… they were expecting a bigger baby because of how big my belly was).  Scottie fixed me some food and Robert fed me while I fed Levi.  I fed him for what seemed like about an hour.  It was a beautiful time.  Kristen and Scottie cleaned up, washed the sheets and towels that were used, etc.  I took a shower and felt much better :).  While I took a shower, Kristen did the newborn exam, weighed him, measured him, etc.  Scottie guessed that he weighed 7 lbs 12 oz, and she was right :).  My smallest baby so far!  And longest, at almost 21 inches!  So, he's long and skinny... with long fingers and long feet.

I then climbed back into bed and cuddled with Robert and our new little one.  We had a quiet, peaceful night.  It was perfect!

Levi's Here

Levi was born at 8:28 last night!  He weighed 7 pounds, 12 ounces, and was 20 3/4 inches long.  The birth was amazing and quick!  I will post the birth story when I get a chance.  Here are a few pictures: